I thought I knew

I thought I knew what was coming and what to expect. I thought I knew what I had to offer and what was mine for the taking. I thought I knew who I was…I thought I knew a lot.

My entire life, I have been certain of one thing: who I was...who I am ku. Everything that I was and everything that I could offer. But did I get too cocky? Did I just expect these things to come my way? Perhaps I overreached and thought too far ahead; not thinking of the journey, only thinking of the destination.

Be prepared, they said. You’ll succeed, they said. Prime Minister of Australia? Never dream too hard, you’ve got this in the bag. Visualise what you want and you will get it, they said. So I visualised, sure. And I dreamed really big—some may think even out of my reach.

I looked the unattainable square in the face and decided that that’s what I yearned for. Did I just expect it to be mine for the taking? Did I not work hard enough up until this point?

What would 10-year-old me have to say? The 10-year-old that dreamed only the greatest achievements. What would 10-year-old me think of me now? What would she have to say? Would she say anything at all? She was polite; shy and reserved. She probably would’ve said she was proud only to make me feel better, or maybe she is. Tell me, 10-year-old me—are you proud of the person that stands in front of you?

I thought I knew that happiness and health were all that I desired. I thought I knew that money couldn’t buy me happiness. But if money can’t buy me happiness, why is it all that I think about? Why is it all that I need to live the life I want to live? 

The plan was simple: work hard and achieve what you want. I worked hard, but not hard enough? Should I have worked harder? Did I not prioritise the right things? Did I put the wrong things first? Why hasn’t life turned out the way that I want it to turn out, the way that I need it to turn out? Why am I second guessing myself?

I wish I knew what life would look like, just so I could make the changes necessary to get where I want to be. But if I get myself where I think I should be, will I be happy? Is it really where I should be? Will I hate the person who stands before me?

I thought I had the answers. I thought I knew. Maybe the power in thinking is too great, maybe I just need to let fate run its course. Maybe, just maybe, there’s a bigger plan at play here. Maybe my time just hasn’t come yet. Maybe this is my time and I need to accept that.

I wish I knew what I should be doing. I wish I knew what I had to do.